Nestled somewhere at the crossroads of Santa Barbara, Goleta, and Isla Vista, UC Santa Barbara boasts much more than sweet seaside views and savory academic performance. My freshman year was nothing short of a culinary pilgrimage. UCSB spoils their students with four fine-dining halls, each offering a unique gourmet experience- a few of them, in fact, under consideration for Michelin Stars. I spent a whole year treated to nothing but three meals a day from said dining halls, welcoming the Freshman Fifteen with open arms (& mouth). Next in the line of succession to Ramsay, I am here to offer my humble breakdown of each dining hall for every college student’s inner gourmand.
De La Guerra (DLG)
Located at the epicenter of Freshman Central, aka the “Chi-Five” dorms, DLG offers an arguably unparalleled sensory experience. The high-ceiling, sleek silver and wood furnishings, modern embellishments, and twinkle-lit outside seating give DLG an edge over the other dining commons. Not just a treat to the eyes but the ears as well with its undying buzz of rowdy freshmen, constant dropping and breaking of dishes subsequently paired with derogatory clapping, and shrill screams of starving Gauchos fighting off seagulls from devouring their pizza. If the stars align, you may even get lucky enough to be treated to the booming bing-ing and bong-ing of the bell tower amidst a carillon concert. Talk about your dinner and a show. What more could one ask for in between classes?
Speaking of in-between classes, I just want to take a minute to appreciate the long wait lines DLG manages to offer every day. Their consistency is commendable. My personal favorite is the 5PM dinner rush. Nothing like having extra time to reflect on a long day with a roaring stomach. As they say, no pain no gain.
One thing is for sure, DLG offers an incredible variety of cuisine. Slurp some al dente noodles drowned in soy sauce or try a new combination of beans, cheese, and tortillas from the “Taqueria” section. Sink your teeth into some form of grilled meat & overcooked vegetables from the “Blue Plate Special” area. Taste nostalgia as you bite into a piece of Lunchables-esque pizza. And make sure you don’t leave without trying DLG’s namesake- their appetizingly named “shoestring” fries. Last but not least, finish off your meal with a melty scoop of frozen yogurt (after a quick prayer that the person in front of you does not make skin-to-scoop contact).
Location: ★★★★★
Variety of Cuisine: ★★★★☆
Taste: ★★★★☆
Ambiance: ★★★★★
Overall: ★★★★☆
Ortega
Despite its close proximity to DLG, Ortega opens up an entirely new realm of gastronomic possibility. Upon entering, I always admire their staff’s humbling greeting style. No smile, no hello. Simply a stationary hand barely ready to swipe your access card. No frills, no fancies, just straight down to business. I appreciate how they really let me focus on the task at hand: eating. Admittedly a little distracting, however, is the disturbingly abstract mural of faces plastered along the main wall. Coupled with the eerily out of tune piano always ringing in the background, Ortega gives off some major elementary-school-meets-horror-movie vibes
A definite highlight of Ortega: the specialty bars. Daily specialty bars featuring build-your-own nachos, burritos, bowls, and sundaes make life interesting and worthwhile. Never knowing which of the four to expect keeps me youthful. The made-to-order sandwiches can be overwhelming for sure. You mean I get to pick between white or wheat bread? American or provolone cheese?! Now I know where my tuition is going and thank god for that. UCSB always knows how to spoil me. Cutting down on carbs? Fix yourself a nicely wilted salad or a hearty plate of everyone’s favorite: caddy ganty fish. No time to work out today? No problem. Head over to the nearest frozen yogurt tub of your choice and scoop out a rock-solid ball of froyo while simultaneously sculpting some rock-solid biceps.
Location: ★★★★☆
Variety of Cuisine: ★★☆☆☆
Taste: ★★★☆☆
Ambiance: ★★☆☆☆
Overall: ★★★☆☆
Carillo
Tucked away amongst the serenity of Manzanita Village, students must make the voyage past the lagoon to reach Carrillo, a dining hall frequented by a majority of upperclassmen. For students who don’t live next to this dining commons, coming here is a treat. It is a change of pace, scenery and type of food. Any student who has lived in Manzi however, will beg to differ.
It is nearly impossible to ignore how bland the food can be at Carrillo once you’ve eaten it more than once. Carrillo is structured in such a way that every night they have the same staple foods — a non-mouthwatering pasta with a watery sauce and some kind of bland protein, whether it be a not-so-tender pork tenderloin or overly-blackened catfish. The Asian food, salad, pizza, hummus and pita are consistently deceiving contenders, offering seemingly safe yet disappointing experiences on the daily. There is also no shortage of stale bread to make yourself a sandwich almost as tantalizing as Ortega’s. Or, if you just want something simple, accidentally pour yourself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch wannabe’s, Golden Grahams, and relax in the intimate booth seating.
Occasionally, a surprising treat will be thrown into the mix. There is a mint chocolate cake in particular that comes to mind, with the bright green mint element almost definitely being Crest toothpaste squeezed on top of what could have been a perfectly good slice of chocolate cake. On the bright side, it saves me a few minutes before bed as I no longer have to brush my teeth. In large part, I know what to expect when I go to Carrillo. And because variety is the spice of my life, I always worry about finding myself a little underwhelmed.
Location: ★★☆☆☆
Variety of Cuisine: ★☆☆☆☆
Taste: ★☆☆☆☆
Ambiance: ★★☆☆☆
Overall: ★★☆☆☆
Portola
Prior to its 2017 renovation, Portola was once called Por-toilet by indignant Santa Catalina dwellers. I can firmly say that Portola is back and better than ever. The rebirthed eatery boasts a massive, open-floor plan so big that it could eat all three of the other dining halls (pun intended). Surrounded by floor-to-ceiling glass windows on all four sides, Portola showcases Santa Barbara’s natural beauty with its shady palms and famous mountainscape vying for your attention in the background. Plus, if you squint your eyes hard enough you can forget that you’re even at college, especially knowing that Santa Catalina used to be a hotel in its youth. It may explain why Portola is also hands down the most spacious, well-lit, and pretty dining hall to eat at.
Open for all three meals a day, Portola has the most experimental yet simply scrumptious food on campus (or one mile from campus for that matter). Some examples from this past week include: housemade sweet potato chips, chipotle hummus and quinoa wraps, and buffalo pulled pork sandwiches. As someone who relies heavily on salad bars, making a salad at Portola always makes me feel like a culinary wizard, layering raw vegetables, lentils, and tofu. Portola is especially friendly for people with dietary restrictions, thanks to an overwhelming selection of dishes for every single meal of the day.
As a Portola-loyalist, I would advise that the best time to make the 33 minute trek or 9 minute bike ride (according to Google Maps) for Portola’s insta-famous dishes is lunch. Unfortunately, my time at the dorms was spent on campus, so I never lived the Santa Catalina experience. Yet, call it my desperation, intense hunger, or just my innate, unwavering support for my loved ones, Portola being my loved one in this case, I still willingly walked to Portola for lunch several times a week. By far (pun intended) my favorite dining hall. But, if you don’t live nearby, or have classes less than an hour apart, Portola probably isn’t the best option—no matter how good the menu sounds (I mean, sourdough french toast?? Jesus Christ.)
Location: ★☆☆☆☆
Variety of Cuisine: ★★★★★
Taste: ★★★★★
Ambiance: ★★★★★
Overall: ★★★★☆
