The following mimics the straight-faced satire utilized by Jonathan Swift’s essay, “A Modest Proposal”.
Wherever I walk in this great nation, I am intrigued by the sight of my fellow Americans panting as they carry their plump children through the demands of daily life. It is virtually impossible, to enter a grocery store without noticing a shapeless mass squeezed into the seat of a shopping cart, reaching its fat arms toward the shelves stocked full of colorful candy and delicious drinks, conveniently positioned at its eye level. Theme parks across the nation are packed with lines of portly children, cotton candy in hand, lining up for deep-fried candy bars and jumbo corn dogs. Similarly, parents repeatedly give in at movie theaters and buy the large-sized soda cups and popcorn bags for their stout, cranky children. Over the past few decades, America’s public image has transformed from one of strong patriots building a nation out of the wilderness, to that of a fat child eating a deep-fried turkey leg at Disney World. These children are essentially chewing years off of their lives; this must be stopped. I shall, therefore, humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be met with the least objection. I offer a modest proposal to fight childhood obesity. Let us promote a future of exercise and attractiveness for our youth.
The United States consists of a population of roughly 318 million people; approximately one in six children and adolescents are obese in the U.S . For the first stage of my plan, I suggest placing all obese children in the nation between ages six to eighteen in “Appetiteless Apartments.” An “Appetiteless Apartment” complex will feature cramped living quarters for the children, workout facilities, and recreational reading rooms filled with copies of Vogue, People and Cosmopolitan magazines to promote thin body images.These apartment complexes will primarily serve as shelters for obese children and reverse their obese ways by promoting anorexia. In terms of breakfast, the children may choose to eat two green grapes, two red grapes, or even one of each. At noon, when the children are away at school, lunch will be served so that they cannot eat it. After school, the children will undergo an intensive three hour workout session. Afterwards, they may feast on a hearty meal of three kale leaves and an apple slice for dessert. The children will also take various lifestyle courses throughout their stay in these Appetiteless Apartments. Teachers will live on-site to teach the children many skills such as how to rearrange their plates to make it look as if they have actually eaten from it, how to cover up the growling sounds their stomachs make when they are “hungry”, and how to pretend ice is food. Apptiteless Apartments will surely be the most efficient and effective way to help obese children transition into anorexia.
I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. Firstly, by promoting an anorexic lifestyle, these obese children will not only lose enough weight to no longer be considered fat, but also will acquire the type of scrawny body that is idolized in today’s society. Secondly, as the physicality of the nation’s children improve, America will no longer be a nation filled with people that are unattractively obese, and it will be considered the most attractive nation on earth. Thirdly, the nation’s children will have a higher chance of becoming celebrities, as their appearances improve and they become more favored by society. Fourthly, by limiting the food supply of the inhabitants of these apartments, the amount of food available to the rest of the country will increase. Fifthly, providing shelters to these unfavored members of society will help keep them off of the streets. Sixthly, by accepting obese children into these apartment complexes, they may make friends that are in the same situation as them, and not feel lonely and depressed. This would help to reduce suicide rates in the nation as well as obesity.
I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this modest proposal unless it should be urged that “Appetiteless Apartments” take young children away from their parents. This I freely own. If a child is obese, it is highly likely that his or her parents are obese as well. Without separating these children from the influence of their parents, they will never be able to overcome obesity. Therefore, let no man talk of other expedients: of requiring physical education in all schools; of restocking vending machines with healthy snacks as opposed to sugary, high-sodium snacks: of banning “supersized” foods in all eating establishments across the country: of allowing schools to ban artificially flavored snacks and juices, sodas, and ice cream: of spending more money on promotions to eat healthy and exercise appropriately than on fast-food commercials. I have no motive aside from the betterment of the public image of America and the health of the youth of America. I have no children of my own, much less an obese one, and therefore stand nothing to gain from this proposal; I am not even of a socially acceptable childbearing age.
